Mind Your Love Language

This post was long overdue so let me break my silence before I’m consumed by mush.

I’m not a cold person, really but I admit i missed the love train by a couple of stations.

For the longest time, I believed terms of endearment are reserved for the annoying, starry-eyed, slow walking, lip-locking, nauseating couples who litter the streets every 5 meters. They only look good in movies, in my  opinion.

I slowly observed from the sidelines as  these nicknames start spilling all over the variety of platonic and same-sex (girl) relationships. (Does Bromance accept them?)

I’m still frozen at telling my BFFs I love them. I find it hard to call any random party ‘love’ or ‘sugar’, ‘pumpkin (Are you calling me fat?)’, ‘angel’ (Do my shoulder blades look like wings to you?). I can’t even call my beautiful niece ‘cutie pie’ even though deep down I know she is, cute, not a pie. Who cares?

Yes, I was hugged as a child so it has nothing to do with emotional abuse. I accept that as far as emotions are concerned, I am stiff. You’ll have me curling into a corner by referring to me as ‘sugar’, ‘Baby’ especially in public.

I’m those people who will mumble words that sound like ‘I love you’ because saying it in public could make me pee in my pants. Kissing me in public is a sure way of making me faint. I cringe if my arms rub against another’s when seated in a bus. It took me 2 years to start using cutlery at the students’ Mess back in University, I used to carry my own. I choke when I see a text beginning with ‘Hey Love’ from a pal regardless of gender. A tweet addressed to me with the words, ‘Hey cute-stuff’ make me log off for a couple of minutes as I compose myself. Heck, I’m even working up a sweat as I put down these experiences. *Sigh*

Well I’m not completely nuts as far as senses and emotions are concerned. I peck my dad and mum on the cheek in public, even my partner gets a kiss or two (no-tongue in public) but that’s all. So imagine my shock when I had the following conversation with a client:

Client: Hey there! You hardly return my calls.

Me: It’s a crazy February so it slipped my mind.

Client: What is it DEAR?

Me: (As I struggle to regain my footing after I heard ‘DEAR’) Just lots of work. Nothing new.

Client: You know I’m here for you SWEETIE. Just call me at 5 o’clock and we can have coffee to unwind. (Yikes! Is this guy trying to kill me?)

Me: We work long hours, I leave the office at 8 o’clock in the evening.

Client: SWEETHEART, you know you shouldn’t overwork yourself!  (And he had the audacity to sound upset!)

Line goes dead on his end. I hang up on him. It’s nothing personal: just business.

I must’ve slept through a couple of years, when were titles or names replaced by terms of endearment? Sweetie, sweetheart…You’ve never even met me so don’t let my voice fool you.

Hugs make me feel woozy unless if by first impression, I concluded you would smell nice and you have a hot body. Handshakes are even worse; I don’t know where your hands have been. I never know which cheek to peck first so I usually activate ‘dummy’ mode and let the Pecker (not the woodpecker though some would qualify) start pecking lest I end up lip-locking. In related news, do you know the mouth has more bacteria than the sexual organs? And No, I will not go south instead. I rest my case.

I’m doing my best to catch up though. I live with my aunt (story for another day) who loves to hug every time everywhere; in the morning, lunchtime, as we retire to bed. I say I love you to my folks, sisters and my partner clearly on phone or in person within a radius of 30 centimeters of any eavesdropping party.

I address close friends as ‘dearie’ once in every 10 conversations spread throughout the year. I also throw in ‘Take care’ when I have had a couple of sips and feel bold enough. I intend to enroll in a class to learn how to conduct Pillow Talk since I was reliably informed that a sigh, nod or a happy grin doesn’t qualify as pillow talk.

I’m ‘work-in-progress’ so be patient with me while you reduce your servings of endearment referrals, kisses, hugs etc unless you qualify. I hear this is the month of love but there is only so much I can do while it lasts.

P.S.  I don’t get people who ‘high five’ after every sentence too.

Picture this: Random person: “Hey, there goes a Vitz.” (LOL  *cue High 5*) continues, “My pal has a green one” (LOL *cue High 5* ).

Excuse me as I go sanitize and massage my hands. I spot a ‘woodpecker’ approaching.

*Lights out*

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